I am doing the best I can to stay focused and write, but it’s more difficult than people think. — I’ve deleted, burned, and obliterated all my poor-quality writing. I believe in destroying history to improve my image. Only my good work remains. Going forward, I need to write good all the time. To write good, I need to be good. …

Can you follow the clues and bring Grandfather back home? — Hey! Hey wake up! We have a big problem. I don’t know who did it, but someone left the door open and now Grandfather is gone. I already sought the help of Father, but he is missing and I fear Grandfather has eaten him. We do not feed Grandfather because…

From Bitcoin to Baja Blast, there’s a lot to cover — At least once a week someone boldly claims that the Founding Fathers would roll over in their graves if they saw America today. That they wouldn’t recognize the country of their vision in what America has become. Now, I don’t often give much weight to the musings of — I…

Living with the Ultraterrestrial Goon Squad — Meet Steve. He lives a normal life. For several hours a day he works at a bank downtown. Look at his hands — they’re soft because his work is soft. He handles the money, and the paper that comes with the money. He locks it all in a big safe…

Dangle your wormy words to hook the reader — I have a small penis. The size of my penis isn’t relevant to the rest of this piece, but it got your eyes to this word. And this one. Hopefully, it’ll carry you all the way to the end. That’s the power of a first line. A vacuum cleaner sucking…

The simple life — The phone rings, the old kind with the cord that runs behind the couch. I’m always getting phone calls and I don’t know why. The voice on the other end is nothing but locusts. This town is a ghost town. The Barber Surgeon is tall and beardless and pale. His…

Heartfelt missive, retrieved from the Internet Archives — The following letter was retrieved from the Wiki of Alexandria before it’s servers burned in a fire. Composed at the height of the War on Christmas, when Starbucks changed their cups from ‘Merry Christmas’ to ‘Happy Holidays.’ My Darling Wife, I sit down to write these lines, hoping they will…

All you need is a tiny bit of confidence and even less skill — We’ve all been there. Your grandmother passes away and you’re tasked with painting a picture of Cherubs for the funeral. You’re confident in your Cherub painting ability, so you put brush to canvas without an ounce of fear or foreboding. Only, you paint something dumb like this:

The best gift to leave your loved ones is the gift of leaving your loved ones — My parents got divorced when I was a kid. I remember the day I found out. Dad came down to the basement, where my brother and I were playing. If I recall correctly, we were acting out our favorite scene from The Thing. …