Published in it’s just foam·PinnedConfessions of a One-Horse Ghost TownieSurreal fiction fun — The phone rings, the old kind with the cord that runs behind the couch. I’m always getting phone calls and I don’t know why. The voice on the other end is nothing but locusts. This town is a ghost town. The first thing I did was mistake the town as…Fiction4 min read
Published in Fanfare·2 days agoFour Movies With Occult Themes and No Soft-Bodied WizardsMovies don’t need magic rituals to teach esoteric knowledge — Who doesn’t love a wholesome film about the occult? Midsommar, Hereditary, The Witch, Pyewacket, Suspiria, The Night House, A Dark Song — people eat those movies up faster than my OnlyFans subscriptions eat my wife’s faith in our marriage. Most people’s definition of “occult” isn’t wide enough. It’s limited to…Humor6 min read
Published in it’s just foam·6 days agoBlowing a Load of Astrology All Over Your BrainBetter living through horoscopes — I’ve devoted years of my life to the study of astrology. Well, I say “devoted.” Others have used the word “wasted.” I ignore those people. If they wanted me to care about their opinion they should’ve spoken sooner. They had a lot of opportunities to interject. Like, when I bought…Astrology7 min read
Published in Artisanal Article Machine·May 8Sassy Musings on the Paranormal and the “Goblin Universe”Monsters, phantoms, and a book that offers a confusing explanation — People love spooky and whimsical things. I know I do. I love hearing about strange experiences people have had. It’s a great way to spark some dialogue at a bar. A lot of folks have a tale they want to tell. They get lively, which is why I love talking…Spirituality7 min read
Published in Doctor Funny·May 4Diminishing Returns on the “Greatness” of Grandpa’s AdviceBack in my day… — Owls are considered wise — the grandfathers of the animal kingdom. So, you could almost view grandfathers as the owls of the human kingdom. My grandpa was certainly an owl. It’s a designation he’d earned — and not just because he’d vomit up pellets of undigested fur and bones. He’d…Humor6 min read
Published in Doctor Funny·Apr 21Grow Your Scribble Muscles and Beat Your Writer’s Block to DeathWriting advice so good it’s probably illegal — You have an idea stuck in your head — like a turd after you eat six pounds of cheese, and don’t drink any water. God! If you could just get up in there, wiggle around, and get things moving. It’s a curious thing. You have writer’s block but you’ve never…Humor5 min read
Published in The Bad Influence·Apr 18Corporate Problem-Solving Means Stabbing Right to the Heart of an IssueThe hostile restructuring of our company is a messy business — A corporation has a certain level of immortality. Rather than looking to the frail meat of a human body to sustain it, the corporation exists on paper. More accurately, a corporation is an idea that’s been written down. Now, a guy once said somewhere that ideas are bulletproof. No matter…Society5 min read
Published in Artisanal Article Machine·Apr 9Become a Big Brain Writer By Crafting Killer First LinesDangle your wormy words to hook the reader — I have a small penis. The size of my penis isn’t relevant to the rest of this piece, but it got your eyes to this word. And this one. Hopefully, it’ll carry you all the way to the end. That’s the power of a first line. A vacuum cleaner sucking…Humor4 min read
Published in The Bad Influence·Apr 8Grandfather Is Running Low on New Cars to Hand OutIs it time to throw the baby out with the motor oil? — We don’t get a new car every time ours has an issue. That’s not a practical solution. No, no, no. We fix them. Some repairs we can do ourselves, though every now and then, we need a Professional. …Surrealism3 min read
Published in Artisanal Article Machine·Apr 2Sargon of Akkad Pulls His Pants Down to His Ankles When He PeesMy response to a response video to a response video — There’s a sad kind of person who confuses speaking calmly with being logical. One of these people turn out to be someone I had hitherto assumed was some kind of alt-right Martin Luther King Jr. …Humor4 min read
