Sequential list of pieces belonging to my Occulture Vultures series.

The more I type out “Occulture Vultures” the more I wished I called it something else. Cumbersome. But it’s too late now.


News, PSAs, and a little fun!

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

We’d like guests to stop building private structures in The Darkwood. There’s a reason why we don’t use trees from the area. In addition, any structure built with those trees will become very unpleasant once the sun sets.

A common myth with lobsters is that they scream when you place them in boiling water. They do not. Lobsters have a layer of water between their soft pink tasty parts and their shell, which escapes when boiled. The sound of screaming associated with lobsters is steam escaping through vents in the carapace.

The sounds of…


PTSP Incident Reports

Code: Mary Celeste

Incident #: 444–01

Location: Camp Lezaza, Old Forest

Statement by: Ranger Soren Lauren

Incident

Per Park protocol, campers leaving by the North-East gate to camp in Old Forest need to sign additional waivers and state precisely when they expect to return. It was unusually cool in Pleasant Trails this past July, and the old growth in Old Forest was full, and very green. Many people took to Old Forest in July, and all have returned save the last group to leave. A large group, a family reunion or something.

To my knowledge, there was no sign of anything…


This one tip will ensure you become a better writer

Photo by Charl Folscher on Unsplash

We are all astute observers of our worlds. “Our” being the operative word. I am not an astute observer of your world anymore than you’re an astute observer of mine.

This inherent limitation imposed on us by the designers of human consciousness is the basis for many interpersonal issues. You can’t understand why I won’t spend two weekends in a row at social engagements. I can’t understand how you can attend them two weekends in a row.

You don’t understand why I’m relieved when plans — even those I want…


Information about the park

Map

Pleasant Trails State Park is located b̴̶͓̪̼̱̲͗ͧ͑͛ͧ͋͒̄̎̑͋̀͠eͪ͛̾̓̒̄̔͛͛̚̕͟͝҉̝̰̹̜̳̖̖̖̯̥̭͎̫̮̣̱t̯̺̝͎͚͓͎̫̙͙͕̪͉ͬ̐͐ͬ̅ͬ̒̂͒̂͗ͧ̊̈́̅͒͝͝ͅw̡̥̗̯̙̱̜̻̝̟̰̆̃͊ͮ̿͂ͫ̓̇ͫ̆͗͛ͬ̊ͣͥ͘͘ͅe̵̥̦̖͍͛͌͛͌͆ͤęͦ͗͐̔͗͌̉͗̈ͫ҉̢̙̻̙̟̺̞͙̦̥̯̼̥̮̻̘̮̖̙ņ͙͔̟̳̜͈̝̟̍̍̓͛̓̈ͫ̌̇͝͞͠ͅ ̵̨͈͈̞̼̠̙̮͎͆͛̈́ͩͩ̄͛̂͌͒a̸̛̩̬̼̟̠̗̲̥̝͆ͦ̎ͨ͌ͨ̈̎̚͘͠l̶̔̾̅̑̒͐҉̩̞̹̰̻̙̬̹̥̫̟̹̯̳́͝͠ͅl̶̴̶̹͇̮̺͕͔̦͎̻ͪ͊̈ͣ̋̀̄ͣ̈͊̄̑̓ͫ̔͋̆͟ ̴̤̖͔͎̘̖̼̗̝̲̥͈̝̪͓̄̃̾͑̔̈́̌ͫ̓̃̓̃̾͊͛ͫ̉͛́̕ẘ̨͙͔̣̻̩̫̹̱̺͔̰͎͔͗͊ͭͪ̊̄̚͘͢͢o̶̍̊͊̔ͮ͜͜͏̠͉͉ŗ̶̶̮̫̹̦͈͎̻̬̗͕̰̮̭̘̜̥͚̣̿ͦͯͤͣ͛ͭ̏͡͝l̡̨̧͈̝̫̘͈̹ͦ̓̄̇ͧͦ͌͐ͦͦ̇̍̆͡ͅd̬̥͎͉̈́͒̐̓̾ͨ̑̾͂͂ͪͭ̕͡s̶̨̼̳̘̦̪̟͉̮̠̱̋ͮ̍͑̒ͫ͆ͧ͆ͥ̋ͣ̾͆̇͂͝,̷̔͛̌ͣ͌ͦͫ͌̿͂̓͟͠҉̰͔̙͉̼̜̞͍͚̺͍̦̥ ̷̺̞̗̭̙̜̲̩͕̙̳̘̗̰̩ͨ̆̐̅ͮ͑̉̆ͭͥ̚͡n̢͎̹͙̖ͭ̓͋̒̃͘e̩͈̻̱̩͖̙̬͔̺̣̪̻͍͖̥̬ͤͤ̓̆ͤ̊̽̉ͯ̊̕x̹̙̙̪͎̮̊ͦͯ̇ͥ̓́͠u̶̩̭̫̱̫͇͍͚̠̹͎̮̝̬͙̖̝̾̋̄ͤͤ̊̎̊̌͐ͪ̋̋̀̕͟ͅs̸̑ͣ̍ͣͬ̒̉ͬ͊̐ͨͩͪ͐́͑͆́ͤ͢͏̢͏̭͉͕̗͉̲͔͈̮̠̳̱and is privately owned and operated. …


When people don’t follow traffic laws, driving becomes a nightmare.

Photo by Alexander Popov on Unsplash

I drive something like 250 miles a day, five days a week. I am always surrounded by cars, and so I have seen a lot of nonsense. The nonsense never comes from nowhere, and so it’s always predictable and avoidable. With very few exceptions the best way to avoid nonsense is to follow traffic laws.

I drive past accidents every day. I’ve seen accidents play out every few days. It’s exhausting to see accidents because you often know they’re coming before they happen. I have yet to be in a…


By Brad Meridian, Super Journalist | July 29th, 2021

Photo by Nils Schirmer on Unsplash

MADISON, WI — Researchers at Pleasant Trails Deadly Disease Research Facility (PTDDRF) have announced the results of a 7-month study today. The study was to determine the cause of stagnated COVID-19 vaccination rates in certain areas of the United States. It concluded that people choosing not to receive the vaccine are eating big wet buckets of their own shit.

“The results were interesting, but not especially surprising,” said PTDDRF Deputy-Directer Rupert Nuper. “Most people we studied exhibited symptoms of being full of shit. …


Welcome to the Neo-New Amsterdam Metropolitan Meme Museum

Photo by Dannie Jing on Unsplash

My name is Thurstan Krenshaw and welcome to the NNAMMM. I will be your guide through our wonderful new exhibit — Boomer Memes: A History!

Please keep your hands to yourself. The memes in our collection are ancient and very fragile, as time severs all connections to context and, removed from the root, the plant often dies. These memes are very old.

What is a meme?

A man named Dick Dawkins in the 1970s coined the term “me-me” in a book called The Egotistical Denim. It’s defined in the book as “A…


Elongated Elucidation Entailing Esoteric Entertainment

Photo: IFC Films

The best movies are, sometimes, the ones you find by total accident. I wanted to watch The Ritual and searched for the movie on Netflix via my smart t.v. I moved the cursor over and, somehow, clicked a movie next to it without noticing.

It opened with a quote, Psalm 91:11 (KJV)

“For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.”

The first shot is a lonely, hilly, depressing looking area with a single car traveling on a road. …


Little known or forgotten “hits” from 2000–2009

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

What’s it like living in the past? Depends on whether you mean physically traveling back in time, in which case your quality of life depends on several variables, or if you mean your mental state. If the former stay out of medieval times because, though the fairs can be fun, the reality was full of shit smell and disease.

If the latter, the qualities of the person dictate the answer.

Are you over the age of 30 and hellbent on not recognizing the fruitless nature of your existence by remembering, too fondly, your…

Garrett Warren

LaserDisc Apologist, Grand Intellectual, Seer of Greasy Auras; Bots Welcome.

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